Are You Looking for Jesus? Part 36: Glimpses of the Inner World

…and unto them that look for him shall he appear a second time… Heb 9:28

The following is another post from “J”:

Background: Today, I felt the Lord wanted this posted next. These once again are some of my earlier testimonies. It’s so wonderful looking back and seeing how faithful the Lord was and how kind he was to me in my hurting and pain. It’s hard learning you have been a victim of SRA. It’s hard processing through those thoughts and feelings. It’s painful when parts cause chaos inside, and it’s intense when spiritual forces mount attacks against you.

But, it’s worth the fight. I feel more whole, free, loved, and content now than I ever have in my life. I can truly say that I enjoy being alive and like being me. For much of my life, I couldn’t do that or say that. I hope these are encouraging to you. Anyone out there who is learning they have SRA or going through something really hard right now, even though it’s hard, please don’t give up. Keep going, not by your strength, but by his. Let him come and give you what you need. He knows. He’s very strong. I know it can feel scary or unsafe to trust someone else. But, he’s totally trustworthy, and I believe he is willing to earn your trust.

First set of testimonies:

Whew! Was last night another tough one or what! There was what I would describe as a windstorm last night. I was trying to sleep, but my mind was wide awake, and there was so much wind—great gusts of wind! I became afraid that the wind was so violent that it could make a large tree branch break off and damage the place I’m staying.

I sought comfort in the Lord, and gave that fear to him, trusting that He has put me here for a reason right now, and he has authority over the weather, and even over the branches on each tree. So, I entrusted my safety to him. I longed for comfort so badly and missed having someone here to hold me when I got scared. I believe the Lord brought it to mind for me to sleep the rest of my night with my dog. That comforted me tremendously, and I soon was able to sleep.

My rest was still fitful with strange dreams, but at least I was able to rest. I had one dream near the end that was sexual in nature and was especially disturbing to me. It took me a while after waking up to try to come back from it.

I was praying as I busied myself with a few of my normal morning chores, and then continued praying as I sat down for my time with the Lord. I then read some in Matthew. I felt the Lord sharing that I was stuffing down some sins/lies that he wanted to deal with this morning. So, after talking with him a bit more to affirm he wanted to deal with them this morning, we got started.

My testimony from this morning:

It’s been a super hard last few days. I have felt so under attack from the enemy, and it seems he’s been trying to deceive me a lot. So, this morning when the Lord was seeking to free this part, I struggled so much with being afraid of being deceived. As such, I made the process much more difficult than it had to be and was constantly afraid I was missing something or was going to be deceived. The Lord still successfully freed my part, but then gave me the opportunity to repent of my fear of being deceived and of my pride at thinking I had all this figured out before we proceeded. I’m so thankful he did.

Jennifer:

With Jennifer, I asked the Lord to reveal the lie. This one was very hard and was brought up by my dream last night: “You are filthy for having thoughts like that for your sister. You are so vile. Only a creep would want to have sex with his sister and long for her body like you do. You are a creep. There’s no way anyone could love you. You are so vile. Someone to be hated and never embraced. This is who you are. A sister-lover. You are disgusting.”

Then, I asked the Lord to show me the truth: “Before you were formed in your mother’s womb, I knew you. I loved you. I see what you’ve been through. It is awful but they lied when they said it’s WHO you ARE. That’s a lie. This may have been something you’ve done, but it isn’t who you are. Let me redeem you. I want to forgive you. I want to free you from this label. I want to make you new! I have never been afraid to embrace you. I know you feel dirty from all of this. Let me make you clean, cleaner than the whitest snow. Free.”

Testimony: Jennifer is now free. She’s in a small cozy cabin. Jesus had her lay down all the sex toys, and he gave her a pen. She’s dressed now in a tunic and trousers with a belt. It feels very safe. She felt like an older part near the end, for but a moment she seemed young. Jesus said she needs a lot of time to heal. She was much more reserved, but Jesus loves her, cares for her, and treats her with the same honor and dignity as every other part.

Michael:

With Michael, I let the Lord lead more fully however he wanted. Here was the lie that started to surface yesterday when a coworker made a comment that made it seem like he did something better than me: “He’s acting like he did something better than me, like he IS better than me. He can’t be. I have to be better. I have to be better. I have to be more, superior even. I’m scared that, if he wins favor, I will lose favor. Then, I won’t be loved and accepted. I will be viewed as a failure. I will be punished and rejected and hated. I must stay on top.” (Vying for affection, longing for love.)

The Lord’s truth: “Michael, let me free you from this constant vying and striving for favor, love, and position. I’m sure you see, but the fight never ends, and you never feel a lasting love or affection. They’re controlling you and using you. I have come to free you from this burden. I have true love for you. I give it freely. You never will have to vie for my love or affection. They’ve forced you to do so many things. I want to heal you from them. I am able. Come.”

Testimony: Michael is now free. Jesus did most everything for him; I didn’t do too much here. He’s overjoyed to be free, and I can’t wait to see him soon in the safe place.

Gabriel (renamed):

Lie: “I am a perpetrator. My job is to woo in weak souls, give them a taste of the love and affection they are so desperate for, and then utterly take advantage of them. I am very good at this. Satan is well pleased with me. I have accomplished much that he wanted of me. I am very high in his sight. He is proud of me and loves me. I have earned his favor because I am so good at what I do. I am blessed of the devil.”

Testimony: Jesus and I talked and determined it was best for him to go and talk with this part and free them. Jesus asked me to simply pray and be in agreement with him in my spirit, letting me know it may take a little while. I sought to do so as I could maintain my focus. After a while, I felt it was done, and my part was free. I asked the Lord, and he shared my part repented, broke a covenant, and has been freed! He’s in the safe place by a babbling brook. Jesus let me know he’s much older than I would have expected. Jesus gave him a new name. His old name was the equivalent of “Lucifer’s right hand.” Jesus gave him a new name: Gabriel. Gabriel is now free.

Last testimony from later that same day for this post:

A little while ago, I was trying to read the Word, and I felt like the Lord was prodding me to give him space to work on freeing a part. I explained how completely exhausted I am feeling right now and let him know I was willing to be present but would need him to totally take the reins because of how bad I felt. I felt his agreement.

So, I wrote down one sentence that seemed to be from a part. That sentence was, “I am Beelzebub. It is mine to cause terror and wrath before me.” Normally, the “lie” goes on for a while, but this one stopped coming after that one sentence.

I asked the Lord about it, and I felt him gently explain that this part wasn’t really Beelzebub, but he was made to think that he was. Somehow, he was causing all this chaos inside, and I guess he’s the reason things are so crazy inside me right now. (So much so that I keep feeling the Lord caution me away from visualizing inside myself right now except for when he gives me glimpses. I keep feeling this caution that it would be very triggering and not helpful—or even perhaps not safe—for me to do so right now.)

I felt him put on my heart that I simply needed to be still and be in agreement with him in my spirit while he worked. I believe he shared it would take a while (as I was very tired, it was all fairly faint). After a while, I think I may have almost fallen asleep. As I came to, I didn’t feel quite as bad, but I couldn’t hear clearly from the Lord anymore. I tried to ask if there was anything I needed to write down as a testimony, but I simply felt the Lord tell me to rest, and that he would tell me what I need to know when I need to know it.”