Are You Looking for Jesus? Part 18: Glimpses of the Inner World
…and unto them that look for him shall he appear a second time…Heb 9:28, KJV
The following is a testimony from “J” about the healing of one of his dissociated parts, a little toddler. The love of Jesus towards the little one and his gentle way with him really touches my heart deeply.
“J”: I walk with Jesus. My heart hurts a lot. I’ve been having difficult dreams lately; the dreams feel so real, even though sometimes their environment feels like a dream. It’s like what’s actually happening feels real, even though some of the external facts don’t feel as real. It’s the feelings themselves that feel especially real. I’ve been very bothered by some of the dreams I’ve been having over the last few days.
Jesus looks at me while we walk. He knows. I’ve told him multiple times, and as I look at Him now, He puts my heart at peace. I know He’s allowed the dreams to come up as He’s been bringing things up in me to heal and free me from. It’s still so painful, having to learn about your history. But, Jesus will not allow our history to dictate our future. My future is His now. He will make me new and free me from the shackles of my past. I look in His eyes and see no condemnation. I know He loves me. I take His hand, thankful to be with Him like this again.
Soon, we arrive. I feel weak. I didn’t sleep well last night from all the spiritual warfare I was facing. But, the Lord promised He would provide for me today, so I trust Him. He opens the door, and I see a little boy clutching a toy. He looks so nervous and scared. I can’t tell if he’s curious or on the brink of tears. I realize this little one has been through so much.
As we come in, he starts crying. Jesus does too. He goes over to him and scoops him up, bouncing him on His hip and speaking soothing words. The little boy wails, seemingly inconsolable. Jesus continues to speak to him. I know He knows all he’s been through. Jesus tells him, “It’s okay little one. I can make you new again. These bad people have made you do all kinds of bad things. I know it’s hurt you, and you don’t like when the bad people come. You just want to be safe and to know you can be yourself without being punished. I know how hard life has been little one. I do not hate you, and I am not here to hurt you. I am here to help you. I am here to save you. I’ve heard your cries so many times and have longed for all time to come save you. I am here now. I can protect you. I can make you safe. I can keep you from the bad people that they cannot ever hurt you again. Would you like that?”
My part sobs, nodding their head up and down. I cry as I write, feeling the sorrow from my part and their depth of simple desire to be safe and loved just as he is. He feels so confused at why he’s been treated so badly in the past. Jesus explains to him very simply how he can be saved, “Okay little one. Then, I will make you new. To do this, you have to repent for all the bad things you did for those bad people. You must also give up anything they gave you to help you do the bad things. I will show you everything else you’ll need to do, and I’ll give you some fun new clothes too. How does that sound?”
My part James wipes his eyes and bobs his head up and down now. I know he would do anything Jesus asks to be free. No cost would be more to him than what he had already paid to the bad people. And, he knows that Jesus is different. No one has ever loved and comforted him like this before. He wants to be with Jesus forever. And so, Jesus coaches him through all he needs to do. Weights are cast off, and demons are cast out. So many tools are cast aside. Soon, they are done, and Jesus gives my part James a cozy little onesie. He likes how warm and safe it feels. I can tell he’s wondering if he’ll ever have to take it off for people to have sex with him. Jesus smiles and promises him he’ll never have to take it off again to do that with people. In fact, he never has to have sex with anyone ever again. He is free now, and Jesus will protect him. He smiles really big, and I can tell he’s starting to realize just how full of life and fun Jesus can be.
It’s time for us to go. Jesus gives James a fun little toy, and he’s very excited to play with it. As we near the door, the doorkeepers mean to bar our way. They really don’t want James to leave. But, James rests securely in Jesus’ arms now. Jesus speaks confidently but not so loud to hurt James’ ears for them to leave. And so, they do. Nothing can stand in His way.
As we walk back to the safe place, James asks Jesus all sorts of questions about all that he would like to do with Jesus, such as, “Can we play in the dirt together? Can we run from each other and play tag? I’ve always wanted to play tag. Can we play with other people too? Not now, of course, but someday? Can we play in water? Is water safe?” I smile as he continues on, and I know Jesus will gladly do all of these things and more with James. It is so healing every time Jesus interacts with one of my parts. I feel so vulnerable through them, and Jesus treats them so kindly. I sometimes feel on the edge of my seat afraid of being hurt, but He never hurts them. He never will. He will protect them, for they are His now. I am His now too. Thank you Jesus for being so good to me and my little and big ones. All of us are very thankful for you, my Lord. Even so come.