Are You Looking For Jesus? Part 16: Glimpses of the Inner World
…and unto them that look for him shall he return a second time…Heb 9:28
In this email, “J” has a message for all survivors of SRA. He shares that he was forced to go out and was seriously abused. A short time later there was another experience that resulted in retaliation where he lost his ability to hear, see or experience the Lord’s presence. After he suffered for a few days, the Lord’s presence returned. As a result of all this, he has a very encouraging word for other survivors who have suffered or are still suffering. At the end of this there is a testimony of what happened when the Lord asked him if he would like to see what his redeemed parts were doing while “J” was suffering in the darkness of having lost his ability to feel the Lord’s presence. At the end of this there is another word directly from the Lord for all sufferers of SRA. I will share that in the next post as this one is already quite long.
Testimony: My week and what I’ve been through.
This week has been really, really hard. On Monday, the Lord gave me a message for you all. I shared it, for He called me to, and I must obey Him. (I want to as well, but I’ve chosen to give Him my “yes,” even if it’s hard, or I’m scared.) That night, I now believe the enemy tried to kill me. The Lord hasn’t shared exactly what happened, but the Lord shared with me later on Tuesday I think that I had been forced to go out Monday night, and they tried to kill me. But, He did not let them because I have been called by Him. If I had not, I would have died. They still did everything they could to hurt me, and my spirit, mind, soul, and body were deeply affected.
But, the Lord is good. He gave me a ton of time to rest and recuperate, not pressuring me to free parts or anything for a few days. He encouraged me in so many ways and was with me. I knew He was angry at them for trying to take my life and that He would continue to protect me. He promised me near the beginning of all of this and has continued to promise me that nothing can stop this coming Light in me. This coming dawning of the sun of His light and kingdom in me. Nothing. And so, He has kept His promise.
Then, later on this week, I stepped out in faith again and obeyed in another thing He shared I could do. That night, I felt some serious spiritual warfare mounting inside of me. As I cried out to him and became afraid as I tried to go to sleep, He finally declared peace over me, saying in power “peace, be still, my son.” I felt some of His peace and drifted off to sleep. I had troubled, strange dreams all night and woke up many times.
The next morning, I was completely cut off from experiencing the Lord’s presence. I also couldn’t feel any of my freed parts or even see my safe place. When I looked inside, all I could see was darkness. Swarming, teeming darkness. It was all-encompassing. I yelled and screamed out for the Lord over and over again. I begged for Him to come to me and declared that I knew He could. I heard nothing and felt nothing back. Soon, the darkness came and tried to cover me and drown me, but I resisted and decided to stop trying to do things in my internal world.
I kept praying and asking the Lord for help, but I simply couldn’t hear or feel him. I would at times think I heard something from him, but it would be so incredibly subtle that I couldn’t tell if it was him, me, or the enemy trying to deceive me. My work day was incredibly hard, and in many ways I felt cursed, many things just going very poorly where it’s felt so blessed by the Lord lately. I am thankful that the Lord encouraged me earlier this week that He would be having me give up some things at work related to my performance to help me give him my pride and trust him to provide for me. I hoped beyond hope that it would work for me to just give those things to him early and that He wouldn’t have to take them away. But, in the end, he did take them away. It was okay though. This morning, He encouraged me about that too. He was working in me, and I have gained more of him in laying them down.
Last night, as nothing was working to connect me with Jesus so far after work, I messaged Patricia yet again, and then decided I was going to proclaim truth to myself and defiantly worship my King. Even though I couldn’t feel or hear Him, I knew the truth was that He could surely feel and hear me. So, I would cry out to Him and worship Him and trust that He could hear me. In his timing, he could break through this darkness and restore his presence to me. (At least, that I may feel and hear him again.)
So, I listened to music for a while, and then I got out my guitar and worshiped him for a while too. I finally felt a glimmer of connection in my spirit as I worshiped, even though I still didn’t feel connected inside. I still didn’t feel like I could hear from the Lord or see Him internally though. I did have more peace though, and I do think I could feel the power of the Lord moving and working through my worship. I am thankful Patricia reminded me as well that worship is a powerful weapon. Plus, I know the Lord reminded me recently that worship comes in many forms, and another powerful form of worship is obedience to the Lord. (Good, life-giving, freeing obedience! I’ve never known this kind before I came to truly know my God. Before, my obedience was always forced and afraid. I would obey in fear of being punished, not out of love and admiration for my King. If you’ve never experienced this kind of joy and obedience as I hadn’t, I pray the Lord would reveal Himself to you that you could experience it too. Once you know Him, even a little bit, you will begin to see as I have that it is so wonderful to obey him, for he loves you more than you do and knows what is best for you.)
This morning, when I woke up, I felt like something was different. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I felt more connected. I put on worship music as I took care of my dog and got ready for my day, and I felt more and more connected and could really worship with the music in my spirit. Once I was ready for my day, I sat down and sought the Lord, inviting the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to all come, declaring how badly I wanted to be with them. And, for the first time since Thursday, I heard Jesus. He started speaking to me and had me write down a love-letter from him. I wept. It felt so good to be connected with Him again. He spoke many things, but he did share many times that he was with me the whole time and was so very proud of me, just like a father who’s watching their son go through something really hard that He’s been preparing his son for his whole life. I know now in more confidence that, if this ever happens again, and I must suffer for His sake in obedience, He is with me, no matter what I feel. The devil may be able to cut me off from feeling his presence, but he can never cut me off from my Lord. Never. He simply isn’t powerful enough. Even death can’t separate us now, for I am His.
I felt this was important for me to share with you all. There is this great fear that if you obey the Lord and try to get free, you will be punished. Because of how all this works, especially if you’ve done a lot of research, you hear about people trying to get free and terrible things happening to them. You hear of people dying as well if you dig for very long.
I know this is scary. I know this is hard. Look at me. The enemy literally tried to kill me this week. But, I’m here to declare to you out of this great darkness I’ve just walked through that the Lord still reigns victorious, and NOTHING can stop His coming light in me. Nothing. The Lord has called me to do what I’m doing now. I know Him, and I know He loves me. He will take care of me. He won’t let anything attack me or hurt me unless He has a plan for how he’s going to turn it around for good in my life. I know this may be hard to understand or grasp how that can be loving. In me, it’s hard. But, I’ve seen how He used the enemy’s attack to bolster my faith and further help me give things up to him, and I see how it made me even just a little more like Him and grew me. So, for me, it’s helped me trust Him more, not less. In part, that’s because I’m coming to know him, and I can trust him in who He is, not just what’s happening in my life. (Dr. Stoner has a great article on this called “Trusting God: No longer a matter of what He has done but rather of who He is” that was very encouraging on this topic if you’re interested.)
So, if you’re debating getting free but are scared that you’ll be hurt or punished, take heart. I’ve been hurt and punished, but I haven’t been abandoned. I’ve been struck down, but not destroyed. If you’re afraid you won’t have what you need to get free, trust in the Lord. He can break through the most insane forms of darkness to get His message to you. As you follow and trust Him, He will take care of you. I implore you to seek him. Ask him to come to you and reveal himself to you. He longs to do it and to take care of you, just like he’s taking care of me. I believe he longs to take your desert, waste places and to turn them into the Garden of Eden for you too. He loves you so much and so longs to be with you. He will not judge you like the harsh god Satan has made Him out to be. He will not condemn you for all the evil you’ve done. He longs to reach out to you with His mighty right hand and lift you up. Please, take courage. Be strong and courageous. I know it’s scary to step out in faith, but this is one step of faith that will never fail you.
I love you with Christ’s love as He is teaching me His love and bringing it in me the more free I get and the more I experience Him. I believe in you. I believe you. I am rooting for you. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever stands in the way between you and the Lord, between you and freedom, will surely come crashing down if you are willing to lay yourself down and follow him. He wants to lead you out of the darkness and into his power, light, and life. I believe in you. But, much more, I believe in my King, and I completely believe He has prepared you to come to him. So come all you weary, longing for the bread of life, for He will satisfy you. He will give you living bread, that you who are the most hungry on earth for love, truth, and affection can eat and be satisfied. He will give you living water, you who have been deprived and famished for water your whole life. He wants you to be able to drink and be filled with his power, love, and presence. He wants to make you a wellspring of life leading up to eternal life where you’ve been a wellspring of darkness because the enemy has made you so. But no more. Jesus’ kingdom is coming. So come on! He is ready and waiting for you. You can experience Him like I am experiencing Him.
Testimony: Speaking with my freed parts, so healing and encouraging.
After my love-letter from the Lord and getting to celebrate His presence in me again, He asked me if I would like to talk to some of my freed parts again. I cried and said I would love to.
First, I saw Cindy and Emma. I cried as I talked with them. I asked how they were over the last few days. They shared it was very hard, but they kept walking around and doing as the Lord had commanded them. Emma’s lantern that burns with the light of the kingdom did not burn out, no matter how much darkness tried to attack them. The light still shined, just as Jesus promised Emma it would. I said I was sorry it was such a hard week, but I was very thankful for how the Lord provided for them. They asked how my week was, and I shared how very hard it was, and how the enemy cut me off from feeling Him or them. I’m not fully sanctified yet, so it was very hard. They encouraged me and were sorry it was so hard. We celebrated a bit together, and then they let me know they needed to go on and keep obeying the Lord to go where He called them.
Next, I met with Michael and David. We all hugged, and they greatly encouraged me. I asked how they had fared, and they shared it was hard, but the Lord’s armor stood firm through the attack. They kept on fighting fiercely and obeying the Lord, and the darkness could not overcome them. I said I was sorry it had been so hard, but I was proud of them for continuing to obey the Lord through the dark time. They asked how my week was, and I was honest with them. They encouraged me and patted me on the shoulders, saying they were proud of me too for continuing on as I had and were sorry it had been so hard and painful. We celebrated a bit more, and then they had to go as well to continue obeying Jesus.
Last, I met with Samuel and Peter. They were somber as I shared how my week had been. They had stood firm, and the enemy couldn’t destroy them either. They both knew what it was like to oppress people with darkness, even though it was a hint in comparison to what happened to me this week I think. They expressed how sorry they were for how hard it was for me this week, but also how proud they were of me. I felt the same way about them and encouraged them too, reminding them that I didn’t look down on them or condemn them for how they had oppressed people in the past. They didn’t have the light in them yet, nor did they truly understand and know what they were doing. (For they had been so deeply lied to.) We encouraged each other, and it was time for them to go as well.
I cried a bit during each encounter. It was so healing and encouraging to meet with my parts. Then, the Lord shared it would be time for me to go write down what had happened and that He had a word He wanted me to share with you guys. (He encouraged me that He will continue to protect me, just as He has protected me this past week through my suffering.) “